The Great War as a Bar Fight

Some folks have been looking for an explanation of the Great War. While plenty of resources are available for those looking for an explanation, I thought something else might suffice.

What happened was this- this group of boxers from Thunderkittens gym and a bunch of really drunk daytraders from Culture Co all went to a bar. This one Thunderkittens guy starts to make a place for his girl to sit at the bar when he gets into a bit of a tussle with someone unrelated. By the time he gets done, this Culture guy had also sat down at the bar. He tells him to move. Culture guy tells him he has the whole bar to work with. He says move. They get into a bit of a shouting match and someone throws a punch. Personally, I blame the Culture guy because I blame them for everything, regardless of how guilty there are or even if they’re relevant. Anyway, these two guys get into a fist fight, and most of the other Culture and Thunderkittens guys start picking fights with each other nearby, even though Culture sucks at fighting and half their guys are just on the balcony cheering their mates on on the first floor.

About this time some guys from the Speakers UNion, or SUN, decide that Thunderkittens is outnumbered and needs some help. Most people consider this not to be the case, but to be fair a quick glance at the situation could be confusing, and they jump in and clobber a few of the Culture guys from the side, a few of whom are pretty much out of the fight at this point.

Coincidentally, at this point one of the Thunderkittens guys got annoyed and threw a bottle up at the Culture guys shouting on the second floor. It mostly missed, but it sprayed a little beer on an off duty cop as it flew by, who used it as an excuse to grab a couple of his drinking buddies and pound that particular Thunderkitten into the ground.

Suddenly, this big quiet Russian guy, Hern, stands up and breaks a chair over the Thunderkittens gym owner, Bonzai, which SUN responded to by trying to pepperspray him in the face.

By this time, most of the bar is fighting, except for a bunch of rather curious, quiet blokes in the corner just watching everything. Another Russan (they’re all Some-What Assholes, but don’t tell them I said that) breaks a bottle and shivs a SUN guy in the side, at which point SUN decided all of these Some-What-Assholish (fuckit I’m calling them SWA) were all part of this, and one of the SWA guys gets stabbed in the hand, though a couple stay out of the fight because they were drinking with the SUN guys last night.

This is about the point where a few guys start shouting about how everyone “Just needs to calm down” and “Chill out”, and the barkeep starts threatening to call the CoPS before the off duty officer says that he’d love to have some buddies to help him out.

Now, it’s worth noting that by now Bonzai has taken a chair to the face, been hit multiple times by a very large, angry Russian guy, was already fighting a few Culture guys because he was one of the closest guys to where the fight start, and frankly at this point he’s not doing too well and staggers out of the room.

Having realized that Bonzai left, the rest of the Thunderkittens guys decide that they’re not really in the mood to keep going, and essentially throw up their hands and walk out. SUN, while technically having told Thunderkittens to stop getting beat up and leave after Bonzai left (which they kind of were and kind of weren’t ok with) were basically finishing a fight they hadn’t technically started. At this point, it’s basically everyone (except the creepy guys in the side of the room watching) versus SUN, though remarkably a couple of SUN guys manage to knock one of the Russian dudes out cold. Unfortunately, this resulted in him falling backward and hitting a tap, which started spraying alcohol all over part of the floor making it basically impossible for anyone aside from the Russians to be able to reach them without slipping and falling on their asses.

After a brief awkward moment, a SUN and Culture guy both kinda look at each other across the giant pool of beer, and the Culture guy says “Truce?”, the SUN guy nods, and the Culture guy smiles, holds up his pint, and sits back down to resume drinking.

The off duty cop, having knocked one Thunderkitten senseless, realizes that he doesn’t have much to do, so he drags the Thunderkitten outside and then goes back to see if he can convince this cute Culture girl to let him buy her a drink.

The SWA Russians and SUN are both tired enough at this point that, after several moments of glaring at each other, they both decide to sit back down at their original tables and go back to drinking, though after a few minutes some of the SWA Russians grab a pitcher and bring it over to the Culture table, the SUN guys glaring at them the whole way.

Eventually the barkeep pulled out some colored duct tape and split the entire bar and told everyone which half they were allowed to be on so they’d stop trashing his place.


And that’s how the Great War really happened.

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